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Change Will Do You Good/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW As you get older, you start to realise that your true wealth is time. Partly because you don't have much of it left, partly because if true wealth was money, you blew it. So anything that can save you time becomes more and more valuable. Now, for me, driving into the garage is a real waste of time, because you gotta do it so slowly; otherwise, you'll go right out the back end... Again. Oh, sure, I guess you could get the brakes fixed on your car, but who has that kind of money? So instead, I've been collecting boxes and boxes of these styrofoam chips they use for packing, like when you buy a chia pet on the internet. Now, I'm going to put them into this plastic resealable bag that our new mattress came in. Bernice went with the king size so she can a little farther away from the action. Or as she calls it, snoring. But I figure if I filled this bag full of these styrofoam chips and then seal her up tight, I'll be able to go into the garage at any speed I want. [ applause ] might wanna take off the hood ornament first. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, big, big week up at the lodge this week. The town of possum lake has decided to get rid of the old wishing well downtown. I know the odd time I go by there and throw in a handful of coins and then make a wish that I wish I hadn't done that. Uncle red! Yeah? Uncle red. What? Can you tell the guys to hold it down? I have a terrible headache. Oh, sorry to hear that, harold. Well, maybe if winston could just turn off his truck. No, he can't do that, the battery's dead, and I don't think we wanna be push starting a sewage truck, harold. No... Here, try these. Thank you. Okay. Those aspirin are huge! They weren't aspirin, they were ear plugs. You all right? What's that? Oh just some coins we took out of the wishing well, made a late night withdrawal last night. Oh, sorry. Sorry, harold. You know what, that's just the spillover. We sucked most of it up with winston's truck. All right, winston, let her go! Oh, that money's gonna need to be laundered. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner will receive this coupon for one free session from mario's male hair removal centre. Where we specialise in speedo waxes for the little european in all of us. Okay, dalton, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word. Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, dalton, this is something you have in the house that tells you when you're gaining weight. Ah, my wife. No, okay, okay, what's this called? Doe ray mi fa so la ti doe? French? No. Okay. Okay. This is what you find on a fish. Tartar sauce! No, okay, okay. If you have a model that's a lot smaller than the real thing, it's called a something model. Anorexic model. Okay, okay, okay, dalton, now, if you were gonna climb mount everest, people would say you were gonna do what on the mountain. Die. Red, almost outta time here. Oh, I know, dalton. There's a statue, it's supposed to represent justice, and it's a woman holding something. You probably had one of these in your store. That sounds way too upscale for my customers. They we are! [ ♪♪ classical ] when I go camping with the guys, I don't take my swiss army knife anymore. Oh, sure, it's a good-looking unit, and it's nice to have handy in case the swiss invade, but for me, the joy of having 12 tools in one is dampened by having to eat my dinner with same utensil buster hadfield just used to clip his toenails. Now, personally, I think it's time for the swiss army knife to evolve into something a little more practical. Like say the swiss army surfboard. Oh sure, it sounds like the title of an old elvis movie, but I think you'll find this a lot more entertaining. Now, for this to work, what you need is a couple of good-sized wind surfboards. Shouldn't be too hard to come by. Just look for a couple of guys coming out of a mid-life crisis, and I think you'll be able to pick them up for a song. Maybe something by the beach boys. So once you get them lined up, one on top of the other, you wanna seal the one side, top to bottom, with the handyman's secret weapon duct tape. And there you go. Now all you have to do is secure the open side for easy transportation. You might want to do that with some type of a rustproof, graphite metal hasp. I would do it with another piece of duct tape. Now, I know what you're thinking... Oh, sure, it's a good-looking unit, red, but how do I get all my camping gear in the car? Well, that's the beauty of it. This is your camping gear! This is all you need. Got a couple of changes of underwear here, if you're fussy about that kinda thing. There's your knife and your forks and your spoons. And a big enough slab of beef jerky that you'll never need any of 'em. There's more, so much more. Your bed roll, your fishing rod, and for comfort, your footstool. An old fan, I can lend you one of these if you need it. I got my share of old fans. And for your nightly entertainment... Oh here we go... A 22-inch television. Oh, I know what you're thinking... That's impossible, and it is. Without this portable generator. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should -- oh, I almost forgot. You also wanna throw a paddle in there. Let me show you why. It's not just a swiss army surfboard, it's also a swiss navy surfboard. [ cheers and applause ] sometimes when couples get older and the kids leave home, they'll move into a smaller house. Usually it's the wife's decision. One day she'll turn to her husband and she'll say, we don't really need all this space anymore, and the next thing you know, there's a sign on the front lawn and a guy in a mint green jacket is walking strangers through the kitchen. Most men fight the downsizing. That's because the phrase "we have too much space" is outside their vocabulary. Men don't have too much space. Men don't have enough space. Ever. We spent a lifetime hunting and gathering a basement full of bounty. We're darn proud of it. That's why your husband needs to keep the fun fur futon from college, and the boxcar willy 8-tracks, and that world's greatest lover t-shirt he got 20 years ago which was a rough guess then, and is right off the radar at this point. See, the smart wife knows that moving into a smaller house is the only way to get her husband to ditch all that crap. Because given the choice between move it or lose it, a guy my age will always choose to lose it. We're just too lazy to pack it up and take it somewhere. So let somebody come over and haul her all away to the dump. That's where most of it came from in the first place. Remember, I'm pulling for ya; we're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services, we're everywhere you don't wanna be. Had a little setback in our wishing well project. The bank won't accept the coins unless we sort 'em first. Why do banks always have to be so difficult? I wish I had a nickel for every time I've said that. You do. ♪ headache's gone! Headache's gone! ♪ I think mine just got here. That's too bad, mine's gone. Well, I'm all better. What can I do? We're sorting, harold. What denomination do you like? Lutheran. Hahaha! Do the pennies, harold. Okay. You know why I'm doing pennies? Know why? Know why? Coz I got the most cents. Well, it's still early. Where's the coin tubes. You gotta roll the coins. The bank won't take 'em in these bags. Why not? That's the way they give it out. Yeah, but mike, don't forget, you've got that smith and wesson atm card. Harold, are you saying we have to roll the coins as well as sort 'em? Yeah. Wait a minute. Who has more money than a bank? Celine dion. The port asbestos casino! That's right! They'll sort it for us! Let's go. Great idea. Um, mr. Green, I can help you get there, but, um, I can't technically go into the casino for another 30 days. Uh, bring all the coins, harold, will ya? Yup. There's one that fell on the floor here too. I'll get that one. Gotta get 'em all! Red: I was up behind the lodge there because I heard that bill and walter were fooling around, and boy something knocks the mirror right off the truck, and kind of a little odd projectile, and there goes another one! So they're -- I thought they were having a fight. They seem to be punching each other in the stomach, but okay... It's a little -- okay. I know, water rockets, I know. You pump 'em up, and then you fire 'em off. Like that. And then -- yeah, so that's exciting. Way to go. And then bill being a little older... Um... So now I'm enjoying that. I can see the fun of that now. I can see that now, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now they're gonna take her up a notch. Bill's got the idea, why don't we use the cola bottles, because they're a little bit bigger, with the carbonation, you're gonna get a little -- but you gotta get some of the liquid outta there. 'course these guys don't wanna waste anything, so instead of just pouring it out, they pour it in, you know what I'm saying? I don't know if you've ever tried this, but there can be some pain involved with, uh -- and I was afraid of being caught in the overspray, so bill luckily had something in his pants for a change, so we're -- oh, that's gotta hurt! That's painful. I would -- if I was you, I'd quit, but I'm not you. So walter's chugging it down, and we -- we get a sense that there's something coming our way. [ small burp ] okay, that was fine. Very tastefully done. Bill maybe not as tasteful as walter. No sense of decorum, and he figures he's outdoors, easy now, easy, easy, easy! [ big roaring belch! ] all right, I think I'm just gonna step back a little bit. So they hooked the cola -- I put the umbrella up, over my head at first. And they got the bicycle tire pumps, and they're pumping up, getting the pressure going. And I get a feeling these are probably gonna blow sideways rather than up, so I'm probably better to with a horizontal umbrella thing. And you know, right about now, I'm lookin' pretty smart, because that's exactly what happened. Heheheheh, that's using your head. Oh! So now we take her up another notch. Got the water cooler with the dual throat car fuel injection air intake on her there, and it's starting to distort a little under the pressure, so walter's thinking maybe that's enough pressure. Bill, one more -- no, no, one more. I think we're good, bill. Bill, bill, we're good. Bill, we're good, we're good, we're good. One more. And... And... Oh, boy. Hang on, walter. Hang on. Hang on. And of course one more, and that may have been too much. And there goes walter. And I put the umbrella up, and bill gets soaked. I'm lovin' this. And I think walter's comin' your way, bill. Here he comes now. Hahahahahaha! Oh! [ applause ] today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, is here to tell us all about spiders. Yes, that's -- spiders?! No! No, no, no, no! No, not spiders. Who told you that? I thought you did. Yeah, you thought -- you thought -- you thought that weasel wouldn't bite, yeah. Yeah, you thought that skunk had been descented, yeah. Who paid the price there, huh? Yeah, I think we're through making decisions based on what "you" think. Yeah, all right. All right. That's why tonight, we're gonna meet mr. Possum. Oh yeah?! You know anything about possums, red? Well, this is possum lodge, I'm the leader of possum lodge, we have a possum on our crest, and when I was in high school, my nickname was possum. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah. You made it to high school. Anyway, possums are very civilised animals. They don't bite you or sting you, or hide in your underwear drawer. And get this, when they're scared, what do you think they do? Play dead. They play de -- yeah... Anyway, let's take a look at this possum. But first, I'm gonna scare it so it'll act dead. Boo! Okay, take a look. I know somethin' else about possums. They need air. No, no, no. He's fine. He's just toyin' with us. I think you're going to have to resuscitate him, ed. What would you suggest, cpr? No, how about mouth to mouth resuscitation? Hey, folks, wanna see ed perform a miracle here? [ applause ] c'mon, ed, here you go. And just small puffs now, don't inflate him. Shoulda done spiders! Ever seen one of these things? It's called a photovoltaic cell. Whenever light shines on it, it makes electricity. So you can actually use this as a switch that's turned on by light. Some of the finer restaurants use these so that when your headlights shine on them it rings a bell inside and then the waitress comes out on roller skates bringing you your jumbo triple cheeseburger and a large order of fries, so that you can have the heart attack in the privacy of your own vehicle. Speaking of which, I've come up with a way to use these little switches to make it a lot easier to drive a car. These days we've got way too many distractions while you're behind the wheel. In the old days all it was was the fuzzy dice and the 8-track player to worry about. Now you've got trip odometers, weather detectors, cd players, air conditioning, power windows, airbag locks, gps tracking systems, and cupholders. That's a lot to ask from a mind that has a lot more miles on it than the car does. So what I did was I attached a photovoltaic cell onto each and everyone of the doodads and gadgets on the automobile. Which means to turn one on, all's I gotta do is shine a light on it. That's what this spotlight is for. I just turn it on and then aim it at my own head. Next I put on these mirrored sunglasses, which will reflect the light to whatever I'm looking at, which will turn it on, like this... [ horn honking ] [ music playing ] and it's just that easy. Oh, sure you get the odd headache from staring into the blinding light all the time you're driving, but I'm sure you'll get used to that. Oh geez, a hornet. [ horn honking ] [ radio music playing ] [ cheers and applause ] well, this has been a very educational day for me. For example, I never realised how heavy coins are when you get enough of them. And, in conjunction with that revelation, I had never seen four tires blow simultaneously before. Not to mention what the possum van crashing to the ground can do to an exhaust system. Oh, uncle red, you're back. I didn't hear the possum van pull up. Must be running quiet, huh? Not really, harold. I walked back from town, harold. We just got to the edge there, and we ran into a huge pocket of gravity. Then we had to get the van towed to flinty's place, and there was $600 damage to her. The poss -- I didn't think that was possible! $600?! Can you afford that? Well, flinty opened up the back of the van, he says we've got enough coin to cover it. And I had blown a couple of valves, so she's shakin' pretty good, and with all the different sized holes in the floor, you can actually sort the coins right in the service bay. That's incredible. Well, you know, when you figure, you know, you've got all that change from the wishing well and you tried to cash it in, which was wrong, but in the end you got your van fixed, so I guess you got your wish. No, I didn't. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead. My headache's back. Well, then my work here is done. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, okay, maybe I never got my wish to come true, but hey, thanks to me, neither did your dad. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. Let's go. Everybody take your sits. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, guys, winston tells me he's still got a bunch of coins in the tank of his septic truck if any of you wanna go sniff them out. [ ♪ ]